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“Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?'
“No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.”
After a brief pause, daddy says, “But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.”
“Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now.”
“Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.”
“Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.”
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.
“I did it, Daddy.”
“And what happened, honey?”
“Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed With no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all”
“Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?”
“He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. but I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.”
Even Longer Pause
Then Daddy says, “Swimming pool? .........…”
“Is this 486-5731?”
“No, I think you have the wrong number...…”
Snake and the Frog
A man went fishing one morning but after a short time he ran out of worms.
Then he saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass bait.
Knowing the snake couldn't bite him with the frog in his mouth he grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in his bait bucket.
Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, the man grabbed his bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in it's mouth. The snake's eyes rolled back, he went limp. The man released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.
A little later, the fisherman felt a nudge on his foot. There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth.
Q&A About Retirees
Q: When is a retiree's bedtime? A: Three hours after she falls asleep on the couch.
Q: How many retirees are needed to change a lightbulb? A: Only one, but it might take all day.
Q: Among retirees what is considered formal attire? A: Tied shoes.
Q: Why are retirees so slow in cleaning out the attic? A: As soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.
Q: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree? A: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.
A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him. She finally overtook him at the checkout, turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."
He answered, "That's okay."
"I know it's silly," she said, "but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."
She then went through the checkout. And as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mom."
The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him.
Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries. "That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.
"How come so much? I only bought 5 items."
The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your mother said you'd be paying for her things, too."
They Need a Solo Woman!
Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska, as far from humanity as possible.
He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
"Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road.Having a Christmas party Friday night... Thought you might like to come. About 5:00."
"Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I' m ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you.....be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em."
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."
"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there, Thanks again."
"More'n likely be some wild sex, too,"
"Now that's really not a problem" says Tom, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"
"Don't much matter .. Just gonna be the two of us."
I was accosted by a dirty, shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.
I took out ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money will you buy wine instead of dinner?"
"No," she said "I had to stop drinking."
"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food"?
"No, I don't waste time shopping."
"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food"?
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman.
"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm
going to take you out for dinner with my boyfriend."
The homeless woman was shocked. "Won't your boyfriend be mad? I'm pretty disgusting. I really smell bad."
"That's okay," I said. "It's important for him to see what a woman is like after she's given up shopping, hair appointments and wine!"
It's impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desireable, as one's hat keeps blowing off. Woody Allen
Bubba had been going to Last Ditch University for 11 years and just couldn't graduate. One day, the dean of students calls Bubba into his office and said, "Bubba, we're going to give you the opportunity to graduate. In a month, at half time of the homecoming football game, we are going to bring you out on the field and ask you one question. If you get it right, you get your degree. If you get it wrong, you have to go home without it and not come back."
Bubba agreed to this and ran off to start studying. He studied night and day for a month. Finally the day came. It was a special day, with homecoming and Bubba's shindig. The whole stadium was packed with students and alumni, all waiting to see how Bubba would do.
The dean stepped up and said, "Bubba, are you ready for your question?"
Bubba said he was.
The dean said, "Bubba, what is 3 X 3?"
Bubba thought about it for about ten minutes and then finally stepped up to the microphone and said, "9?"
An AAAWWWWHHH went up from the crowd!! Before the dean could respond, thousands of the students and alumni of jumped up and screamed, "GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!!"
The Blonde Diet
A blonde was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."
When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
"No. From skipping."
Two patients limp into two different American medical clinics with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.
The first patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day, has a time booked for surgery the next day and, within two days, is home recuperating.
The second sees the family doctor after waiting a week for an appointment, then waits eighteen weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another month and finally has his surgery scheduled for 6 months from then.
Why the different treatment for the two patients?
The first is a Golden Retriever. The second is a senior citizen.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with. -- W. C. Fields
A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender.
She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers.
"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no," he replied.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him about something ...private," she said urgently, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender, excited beyond belief.. "But i s there anything I can do for you?"
"Yes, there is," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. " It's very personal, and a very... intimate ... request."
"What do you want from me?" the bartender managed to say, his breath heavy with desire. "I'll do it."
"Well," she whispered, "There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."
Little Cody was staying with his Grandma for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?"
She was a little taken back, but she decided to just tell him the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling".
Little Cody just said, "Oh, OK," and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called bunk beds. And Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you."
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some
hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be
in good health, they were concerned about his rather small "member."
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him
pancakes. That should solve the problem."
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack
of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
"Gee, Mom," he exclaimed. "For me?"
"Just take two," Brenda replied. "The rest are for your father."
The Elderly Irish Virgin
In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin and very proud of it.
Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she dies, she went to the town's undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal clerk) to make proper "final" arrangements.
As a last wish, she informed the? undertaker
that she wanted the following inscription engraved on her tombstone: "BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN"
Not long after, the old maid died peacefully.A few days after the funeral,
as the undertaker--postal clerk went to prepare the tombstone that the lady had requested, it became quite apparent that the tombstone that she had selected was much too small for the wording that she had chosen.
He thought long and hard about how he could fulfil the old maid's final request, considering the very limited space available on the small piece of stone.
For days, he agonized over the dilemma. But finally his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem. The virgin's tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved: "RETURNED UNOPENED"
Greeks and Italians
A Greek and Italian were sitting in a Starbuck's one day discussing who had the superior culture. Over triple lattes, the Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon."
Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."
The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."
The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire." And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.
With a flourish of finality the Greek says, "We invented sex!"
The Italian replies, "Yes, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women!"
Men are like ...
laxatives ...They irritate the sh-t out of you.
bananas ... The older they get, the less firm they are.
weather ... Nothing can be done to change them.
blenders ... You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
chocolate bars ... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
commercials ... You can't believe a word they say.
department stores ... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
government bonds ... They take soooooooo long to mature.
mascara ... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
popcorn ... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
snowstorms ... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
lava lamps ... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
parking spots ... All the good ones are taken; the rest are handicapped.
A husband and wife were at a marriage therapist. "What's the problem?" the therapist asked.
The man pointed to his wife. "What's-her-face thinks I don't pay enough attention to her."
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. -- - Maryon Pearson
Excerpts from a Dog's Diary
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
Excerpts from a Cat's Diary
Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards! There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now....
Useful Math Conversions
1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton
3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
4. Time between slipping on a peel & hitting the ground = 1 bananosecond
5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
6. Time it takes to sail 220 yds at 1 nautical mile/hr = Knotfurlong
7. 16.5' in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod
8. Half a large intestine = 1 semicolon
9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurt
10. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower
11. Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line
12. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
13. 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone
14. 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles
15. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle
16. 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds
17. 52 cards = 1 decacards
18. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton
19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen
20. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
21. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
22. 10 rations = 1 decoration
23. 100 rations = 1 C-ration
24. 2 monograms = 1 diagram
25. 4 nickels = 2 paradigms
26. 4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing = 1 IV League
27. 100 Senators = Not 1 decision
The Five Stages of a Woman's Life
To grow up, to fill out, to slim down, to hold it in, and -- to hell with it.
Two very elderly friends, Max and Wally, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Wally didn't show up. Max figured maybe he had a cold or some such.
But after Wally hadn't shown up for a week, Max really got worried. However, the only time they ever got together anymore (they used to play a lot of golf together) was at the park, and Max couldn't remember where Wally lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month passed and Max figured old Wally had gone to his heavenly reward, but one day Max approached the park, and there sat Wally! Max was very excited to see him. Then he said, "For crying out loud Wally, what happened to you???"
Wally replied, "I've been in jail."
"Jail?," cried Max. "What in the world for?"
"Well," Wally said, "You know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where we sometimes get coffee?"
"Yeah" said Max, "I remember her. What about her?"
"Well one day last month she got mad at me, and to get even, she charged me with rape. I was so proud that everyone would think an old fart like me could still do it, that when I got into court, I pled guilty."
The judge then took a good look at me and gave me 30 days for perjury."
Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America, Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES."
You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.
1 She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."
2. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."
3. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE
4. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."
5 . She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALY REPETITIVE."
6. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW-COST PROVIDER."
1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."
2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."
3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES
4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."
5. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."
6. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE."
Apple Computer reported today that it has developed computer chips that can be implanted and play music inside women's breasts. The music is in stereo.
This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts, and not listening to them.
A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.
In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.
She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000.
He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.
"Honey," he said, "that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"
"Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the dolls."
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, he motions for her to come nearer.
As she sits by him, he whispers, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side...You know what?"
"What dear?" she gently asks, smiling as her heart begins to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck. Get the f--k away from me!"
The Cremated Husband
Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table. Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him....
"Herman, you know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!" She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, "Herman, remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"
Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said, "Herman, that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!"
Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "Herman, remember that blow job I promised you? Here it comes!."
Adam and Eve
God Said, "Adam, I want you to do something for me."
Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"
God said, "Go down into that valley."
Adam said, "What's a valley?"
God explained it to him.
Then God said, "Cross the river."
Adam said, "What's a river?"
God explained that to him, and then said,
"Go over to the hill......."
Adam said, "What is a hill?"
So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.
He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave."
Adam said, "What's a cave?"
After God explained, he said, "In the cave you will find a woman."
Adam said, "What's a woman?"
So God explained that to him, too.
Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce."
Adam said, "How do I do that?"
God first said (under his breath), "Geez....." !
And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam as well.
So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over
The hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.
Then, in about five minutes, he was back.
God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?"
And Adam said...
"What's a headache?"
Solo Lady Dictionary of Dating
ATTRACTION... the act of associating horniness with a particular person.
LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT... what occurs when two extremely horny, but not
entirely choosy people meet.
DATING... the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time and energy
to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the
present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.
BIRTH CONTROL... avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing
special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive
EASY... a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a
EYE CONTACT... a method utilized by one person to indicate that they are
interested in another. Despite being advised to do so, many men have
difficulty looking a woman directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to
shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in
FRIEND... a person in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes
sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.
INDIFFERENCE... a woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the
man to be "playing hard to get."
INTERESTING... a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the
IRRITATING HABIT... what the endearing little qualities that initially
attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.
LAW OF RELATIVITY... how attractive a given person appears to be is directly
proportionate to how unattractive your date is.
NYMPHOMANIAC... a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more
often than he does.
SOBER... condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.
If My Body Were a Car
If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull, but that's not the worst of it. My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close. My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather. My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently. But here's the worst of it --
Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter.....either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires.
A couple in their 60s went to a sex therapist's office in Winter Haven , Florida. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, Will you
watch us have sexual intercourse? "
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple had finished,
the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have
intercourse," and charged them $50.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an
appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then
Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
The man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married
and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $140. We do it here
for $50 and I get $43 back from Medicare.
A doctor tells a new mom that her newborn baby is an hermaphrodite.
"What's that," asks the mom.
"The baby has both male and female organs."
"You mean," says the mother, "the baby has a penis and a brain!"
A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.
"What's that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked. "It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.
"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend. "Yup," replied the drunk.
"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it. "Watch this," the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You jerk... it's three-fifteen in the morning!"
The Top Ten Unintentionally Worst Company URLs
It's advisable to look at your domain name as others see it, not just as you think it looks. Failure to do this may result in situations such as the following (legitimate) companies who deal in everyday humdrum products and services, but clearly didn't give their domain names enough consideration:
1. A site called "Who Represents" where you can find the name of the agent who represents specific celebrities:
2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange
advice and views at:
3. Looking for a pen?
Look no further than Pen Island at:
4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at:
5. The Italian Power Generator company:
6. The Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales:
7. If you're looking for computer software, there's:
8. The First United Methodist Church in Cumming, Georgia:
9. Brainless art designers, at Speed Of Art:
10. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe?
Try their brochure website at www.gotahoe.com
Fred returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, Fred and his wife make love.
About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?" Of course, the wife agrees and they do it again.
Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes he now has only eight hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, "Honey, please just one more time before I die?" She says, "Of course,dear." And they make love for the third time.
After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep. Fred, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns until he's down to four more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey,do you think we could.....?"
At this point the wife sits up and says, "Listen Fred, I have to get up in the morning. You don't."
A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. "House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa." "Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."
A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or feminine noun.
Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora"), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("el computador"), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The women won.
A Political Joke
Bill Clinton is placed against the wall, and just before the order to shoot him is given, he yells, "Earthquake!" The firing squad falls into a panic and Bill jumps over the wall and escapes in the confusion.
John McCain is the second one placed against the wall. The squad is reassembled and John ponders what Bill has done. Before the order to shoot is given, John yells, "Tornado!". Again the squad falls apart and McCain slips over the wall, thus making his escape.
The last person, George W. Bush, is placed against the wall. He is thinking, "I see the pattern here, just scream out a disaster and hop over the wall! Hmm... I better not say 'Hurricane,' or they'll think of Katrina. I know what to do." As the firing squad is reassembled and the rifles raised in his direction, he smirks his famous smirk and yells, "Fire!"
Life, Backwards, in 12 Steps
1-You start out dead and get it out of the way.
2-You wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.
3-You get kicked out for being too healthy.
4-You collect your pension.
5-When you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
6-You work for 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.
7-You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous and you get ready for high school.
8-You go to elementary school.
9-You become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities.
10-You become a baby, and then...
11-You spend your last nine months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions, central heating, room-service on tap, and larger quarters every day,
12-and finally -- you finish off as an orgasm!
attributed to George Carlin
A woman and her nasty, unfaithful husband went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the husband passed away. The undertaker told the wife, "You can have him shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury him here, in the Holy Land, for $150."
The woman thought about it and told the undertaker she would just have him shipped home. The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your husband home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here, and you would spend only $150?"
The woman replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance!"
A man was arrested for shoplifting. The judge asked him, "What did you steal?" He replied, "a can of peaches."
The judge asked why he had stolen the can of peaches, and he replied that he was hungry. The judge then asked him how many peaches were in the can. "Six," he answered.
The judge declared, "I will then give you six days in jail."
Before the judge could announce the punishment, the man's wife spoke up and asked the judge if she could say something. The judge asked, "What is it?"
The wife whispered, "He also stole a can of peas."
While reviewing math symbols with second-grade pupils, a teacher drew a
greater-than (>) and a less-than (<) sign on the chalkboard and
asked, "Does anyone remember what these mean?"
A few moments passed, and then a boy confidently raised his hand.
"One means fast-forward," he exclaimed, "and the other means rewind!"
You Know You're a Redneck When...
1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.
3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
5. You think "The Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive.
6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.
7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
17. You have a rag for a gas cap.
18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
19. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
20. You can spit without opening your mouth.
21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
23. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
24. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
25. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
26. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.
27. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.
28. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.
29. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.
A Box for a Husband
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a white bag on the seat next to Sally.
"What's in the bag?" asked the old woman. Sally looked down at the white bag and said, "It's a box of chocolates. I got it for my husband." The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two, then, speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said: "Good trade!"
Personal Ads for Seniors
Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty,
80's, slim, 5'4" (used to be 5'6"),
searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion.
Matching white shoes and
belt a plus.
Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, and am looking
for someone to round out a six-unit plot.
Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.
BEATLES OR STONES?
I still like to rock,
still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar.
If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen,
let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.
I can usually remember Monday through Thursday.
If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.
Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair,
many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves.
Not in running condition, but walks well.
contributed by Richard Morrison
Baby's First Doctor Visit
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The young doctor arrived, and he examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.
She did. He examined her breasts for a long while in an exceptionally detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."
"I know," she said. "I'm his grandma. But I'm sure glad I came!"
Seven Kinds of Sex
Smurf Sex. When you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.
Kitchen Sex. You've been with your partner for a short time and you'll have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.
Bedroom Sex. You've been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have it only in your bedroom.
Hallway Sex. You've been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you."
Religious Sex. You get nun in the morning, nun in the afternoon and nun at night.
Courtroom Sex. you cannot stand your partner anymore and he takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.
Social Security Sex. You get a little each month but not enough to live on.
.A Dozen Non-Politically-Correct Questions
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball? ~ Juan on Juan
Why is divorce so expensive? ~ Because it's worth it.
Why is air a lot like sex? ~ Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
What do attorneys use for birth control? ~ Their personalities.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? ~ 10 years and 45 lbs
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? ~ 45 minutes
Why do men want to marry virgins? ~ They can't stand criticism.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? ~ Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? ~ After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? ~ The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? ~ Breasts don't have eyes.
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? ~ Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell "Bingo"!
My grandmother is over ninety and still doesn't need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle. -- Mary H. Waldrip
He: I'd climb the highest mountain and swim the deepest seas to have a date with you! Anything at all. I'm yours! She: OK. How about tonight? He: Hmm. Can we make it another time. There's a chance of rain tonight. -- contributed by R. Fried
The Mother's Dress
Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement - not even her parents' nasty divorce. Her mother had found the perfect dress to wear and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever. A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new young wife had bought the exact same dress!
Jennifer asked her stepmother to exchange it, but she refused. "Absolutely not. I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it," she replied.
Jennifer told her mother, who graciously said, "Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day."
A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it."
Her mother just smiled and replied, "Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding!"
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up in Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared,
and they went on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North?"
"Yes, I do."
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."
How Many Dogs Does it Take to Change a Light Bulb?
1. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?
2. Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
3. Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
4. Rottweiler: Make me.
5. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
6. Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!
7. German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.
8. Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.
9. Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb!
10. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
11. Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb. Or "We don't need no stinking light bulb."
12. Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
13. Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...
14. Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
Cats do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question from cats is: "How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?" -- contributed by Cathy Dreilinger
Sign in an office: This department requests no physical fitness program. Everyone gets enough exercise jumping to conclusions, flying off the handle, running down the boss, knifing friends in the back, dodging responsibility, and pushing their luck.
I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows. --contributed by Janette Barber
This handy guide should be in the wallet of every boyfriend or significant other!
What's for dinner?
Can I help you with dinner?
Where would you like to go for dinner?
Here, have some chocolate.
Are you wearing that?
Wow, you sure look good in brown!
WOW! Look at you!
Here, have some chocolate
What are you so worked up about?
Could we be overreacting?
Here's my paycheck.
Here, have some chocolate.
Should you be eating that?
You know, there are a lot of apples left.
Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
Here, have some chocolate.
What did you DO all day?
I hope you didn't over-do it today.
I've always loved you in that robe!
Here, have some more chocolate.
The Returning Cat
A man absolutely hates his Significant Other's cat and decides to get rid of him by driving him 20 blocks from home and leaving him at the park.
As he gets home, the cat walks up the driveway and meows.
The next day he decides to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He puts the animal out and heads home.
Driving back up his driveway, there's the cat, purring!
He keeps taking the cat further and further and the cat always beats him home. At last, to confuse the feline, he drives a few miles away, turns right, then left, over a bridge, then right again and another right until he reachs what he thinks is a safe distance from home, and he leaves the cat there.
Hours later the man calls home to his girlfriend: "Jen, is the cat there?"
"Yes," she answers, "why do you ask?"
"Put that son of a ***** on the phone. I'm lost and need directions!"
1. Teaching Math in 1950
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?
2. Teaching Math in 1960
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
3. Teaching Math in 1970
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?
4. Teaching Math in 1980
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
5. Teaching Math In 1990
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers.)
6. Teaching Math in 2007
Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones es $80.
Duct tape is like The Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together. Carl Zwanzig
Rodney Dangerfield Short Takes
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me
to time an egg.
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog
on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!
My wife isn't very
bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading
for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."
Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy
negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
A girl phoned
me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home!
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.
If it weren't for pick-pocketers, I'd have no sex life at all.
I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."
My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen
the roaches hang themselves.
I was such an ugly baby, when I was born
the Dr. slapped my Mother.
I went to see my Dr, Dr.Vinnie Goomba.
He asked if I had this before? I said yes. He said well you got it
I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested
The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked.
I asked "Why?". He said, "Because you came home early."
At my age, I'm envious of a stiff wind.
My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the
My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me
from Chicago last night.
A Funny (Sort of) Lawyer Joke
One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop, and he got out to investigate.
He asked the first man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"Well," the lawyer said, "come with me to my house, and I'll feed you."
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there,
under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer said. Turning to the other poor man he
said, "You come with us also."
The second man cried, "But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me!"
"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as
large as the limousine.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said,
"Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high!"
Choosing a Wife
A man wants to get married. He's having trouble choosing among three likely candidates.He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, gets new make up, and buys several new outfits and dresses up for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man is impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts.She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.
Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market.She earns several times the $5,000.She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man is impressed.
The man thinks for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.
Then he marries the one with the biggest boobs.
Lou, didya hear the one about the guy who couldn't afford a personalized
license plate, so he went and changed his name to J3L2404? -- Frances McDormand as Marge Gunderson in Fargo
difference between a mistress and a wife is the difference between
day and night.
Reasons Why It's Good to be a Woman
1. We got off the Titanic
2. We can scare male bosses with the mysterious-gynecological-
3. Taxis stop for us.
4. We don't look like a frog
in a blender when dancing.
5. No fashion faux pas we make could ever
rival the Speedo.
6. We don't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.
If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
8. We can congratulate our
teammate without ever touching her rear end.
9. We never have to reach
down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
have the ability to dress ourselves.
11. We can talk to the opposite
sex without having to picture them naked.
12. If we marry someone 20
years younger, we are aware that we will look like an idiot.
will never regret piercing our ears.
14. We understand that chocolate
really can solve problems.
15. We can make comments about how silly
men are in their presence because they aren't listening anyway.
In males, one of the most general physical causes of sexual excitement is constipation....When this condition is chronic...the unnatural excitement often leads to serious results. -- Dr. J.H. Kellogg, 1879
Some people can stay longer in an hour than others can in a week.-- William Dean Howells
Very Punny Resume
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned.....couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it, mainly because it was a sew-sew job.
Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was too exhausting.
Then I tried to be a chef. I figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.
I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.
My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.
I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.
Next was a job in a shoe factory. I tried, but I just didn't fit in.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian, but there was no future in it.
My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.
When you come to a fork in the road, take it. -- Yogi Berra
A sweetheart is a bottle of wine. A wife is a wine bottle. -- Pierre Charles Baudelaire.
Amish girl and her mom were in a mall for the first time, amazed by
everything, but especially by two shiny silver walls that opened and then
girl asked, "What is that mother?"
mother, who had never seen an elevator before, said, "I don't know."
both continued looking in amazement as a wheezy old man with a scruffy beard, wearing a dirty tee-shirt, pushed a button, entered the opened walls into a small room, and then the walls closed behind him. Small circular numbers began to light up above the walls sequentially, and then the numbers lighted up in reverse order. The mom and daughter gazed in
the walls opened up again and a six-foot, blond, buff young man in
tight jeans stepped out.
wide-eyed mom sighed, and said quietly to her daughter...
get you father! Now!"
three-year old boy was taking a bath, examining his family jewels.
"Are these my brains," he
asked his mother.
"Not yet," she
A Solo Lady Tiny Fairy Tale
upon a time a guy asked a gal, "Will you marry me?"
gal said, "No."
And the gal lived happily ever after: traveling, dancing, shopping, enjoying a clean house, laughing with friends, wearing a comfy robe, and passing gas whenever she wanted.
used to hate attending family weddings. All
the family elders would sidle up to me
grin slyly, poke me in the ribs, and whisper
a wink. That stopped when I began doing the same thing to them
-- at funerals.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday...
lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
I'm great at housekeeping. Every time I get divorced I keep the house. -- Zsa Zsa Gabor
Real Front Page News:
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says (No, really?)
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers (Now that's taking things a bit far!)
Panda Mating Fails, Veterinarian Takes Over (What a guy!)
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures (Who would have thought it?)
London Couple Slain, Police Suspect Homicide (They may be on to something!)
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery, Hundreds Dead (Duh.)
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
Outside a Muffler Shop: "No
appointment necessary, we hear you coming."
a Veterinarian's Waiting Room: "Back
in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
Lady to her women friends: The bad news is that I owe $100,000 in college
loans for my kids, three months' salary in back taxes, and my retirement fund tanked.
Supportive Friends: Oh no. What's the good news?
Solo Lady: My identity got stolen.
men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large, raging violent
river. Needing to get on the other side, the first man prayed, "God, please give me the strength to cross the river." Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.
After witnessing that, the second man prayed, "God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river." Poof! God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour, after almost capsizing once.
Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed, "God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross this river." Poof!
He was turned into a solo woman.She checked the map, hiked one hundred
yards up stream and walked across the bridge!
We spend the
first twelve months of our childrens' lives teaching them to walk and
talk, and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
The food in my bowl
Is old, and more to the point,
Contains no tuna.
So you want to play.
Will I claw at dancing string?
Your ankle's closer.
There's no dignity
In being sick - which is why
I don't tell you where.
I am locked in the closet.
For once I need you.
Tiny can, dumped in
Plastic bowl. Presentation,
One star; service, none.
Am I in your way?
You seem to have it backwards:
This pillow's taken. Your mouth is moving
Up and down, emitting noise.
I've lost interest.
The dog wags his tail,
Seeking approval. See mine?
My brain: walnut-sized.
Yours: largest among primates.
Yet, who leaves for work?
Most problems can be
Ignored. The more difficult
Ones can be slept through.
My affection is conditional.
Don't stand up,
It's your lap I love.
Cats can't steal the breath
Of children. But if my tail's
Pulled again, I'll learn.
I don't mind being
Teased, any more than you mind
A skin graft or two.
So you call this thing
Your "cat carrier." I call
it my "blades of death."
Toy mice, dancing yarn,
Meowing sounds. I'm convinced:
You're an idiot.