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If Life Were Fair & Other Interesting Quotes

Written by: BD 11/8/2006 12:39:40 PM
These are some interesting quotes I've collected:


1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car."
--Author Unknown

2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get aheadache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children." --Author Unknown

3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
--Drew Carey

4) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house."
--Jeff Foxworthy

5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base." --Dave Barry

6) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'" --Paula Poundstone

7) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh." --Conan O'Brien

8) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner." --Lynda Montgomery

9) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead." --Johnny Carson

10) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."--Paul Rodriguez

11) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida , but they turned sixty and that's the law." --Jerry Seinfeld

12) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?" --Warren Hutcherson

13) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same." --Oscar Wilde

14 "Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself. .......Mark Twain

15) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan ." --. Whitney Brown

16) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'" --Dave Barry

17) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken. --Unknown, presumed deceased

18) "Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer." - W. C. Fields

And lastly: Why in Hell should I have to "Press 1 for English"?
 




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