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Diary of a Biopsy

Written by: Lea 9/12/2005 12:00:00 AM
"July 7, 2005
The difficulty of being alone and sick is one issue hard to refute. I’ve managed over the years to deal with it, but I know from taking care of others when they were ill, and even dying, that when you’re not feeling well, it’s much easier with support. So solo ladies have to compensate, and to plan.
Last week I had to return for a second mammogram and an ultrasound. I had received a letter saying that there was an “area of concern” in my right breast. So I had the tests, and my right breast turned out fine. It was the left that showed a solid nodule, just under a centimeter. That’s the way it is so often—what you least expect comes around to get you.
I will be returning for a biopsy on the 11th, and get the results a couple of days after that. I’ve had a couple of benign breast tumors in the past, but I’m feeling nervous. My younger sister’s malignant tumor was found in a mammogram just over a year ago. It was an aggressive tumor, and she is now recovering from her treatments, hopeful, and forever changed. And so many of my friends are living and dealing with breast cancer.
And how long can you keep dodging bullets?
I’ll just keep on going a day at a time, thankful for each moment, and living to the fullest. We shall see. But it’s a reminder for women over 40: a yearly mammogram is a good idea.
July 11
I spent a pleasant weekend. Saturday night I attended the wedding of college friends’ son. Nine years before, I attended their daughter’s wedding. I came to that one with a boyfriend. Since then, I have been married (to someone else) and widowed, and now, alone, it felt bittersweet to return to this joyous occasion.
I noticed that several other college acquaintances who had been at the earlier wedding were not there, and the reasons why were more bitter than sweet. One red-haired guy had advanced Parkinson’s, and was supposedly in terrible shape. I remembered that in college he would drive 500 miles for a good sandwich, and that he cleaned his soap. A lively character, and it was hard to think of him as incapicitated.
Another acquaintance, not at this wedding is suffering from pancreatic cancer. And I also learned that the groom’s dad, my friend, was being operated for kidney cancer right after the wedding. He didn’t want anyone to talk about it.
With those sobering thoughts, I got through my biopsy today. No big deal---ultrasound again to guide the doctor, laying down in the darkness, a bit of local anesthetic, a needle and a core sample. No pain, and finished in about 15 minutes. Just the waiting now, for Wednesday, when I find out.
I’ve thought about how I would handle things if I get bad news. I’ll probably send an email to friends and ask that they stay in touch, as I’ll need support. I’m not afraid to ask, and to be honest. As a person on my own, these things matter a great deal. I can’t depend on my two sons, who live in the city, an hour away, and have their own lives.
I keep going over the words “It’s cancer,” to prepare for the worst. I've heard them before, almost 30 years ago, when I had thyroid cancer. I caught it early, and I was married then, and able to deal with it. But no matter how I get used to the words, I have no idea how it might feel, being alone, if the news isn’t good.
I’ll just keep busy, and hope for the best.

June 11
It’s benign! For the past days I’ve been keeping busy—writing, talking to family and friends, and catching up on DVD movies I missed first time around -- Kinsey (good), and Aviator (too long). I waited and waited, and finally got up the nerve and called both my primary doctor and the radiologist. The latter called first, and I was steeled, but he said, “All benign.”
For about five minutes I was thrilled. I appreciated the flowers on my table, my cat, Sweetie, my peaceful life, the breeze. I emailed everyone, and thanked them for their concern. And then, as in former cancer scares, I went about my usual business; I just couldn’t keep that feeling of special appreciation for life. That’s the way it goes—taking health for granted, unless you endure a truly devastating experience. I vowed to keep in shape, take my vitamins and calcium, and get a yearly mammogram and other needed tests.
There will be other bullets to dodge.

"
 




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