Laughs at Dian
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Laughs

 

 

We're adding jokes, funny lists, naughty tales, one-liners and humorous quotes all the time. Want to share yours with other solos? Please email us at sololadylaughs@sololady.com

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Choices !

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "You were in a huge pile-up on the highway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again, but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance compensation and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they're not cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."

The man perks up.

"So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. I understand that you've been married almost thirty years. You should discuss this with your wife. If you had a 5-incher before and get a 9-incher now, she might be overwhelmed. If you had a 9-incher before and you decide to only invest in a 5-incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important she plays a role in helping you make a decision."

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"

"Yes I have," says the man.

"And has she helped you make a decision?"

"Yes" says the man.

"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.

"We're getting granite countertops."

_____

Classic Jabs

The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:

She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison."

He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."

 

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."

"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."


"He had delusions of adequacy."

Walter Kerr


"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."

Winston Churchill


"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."  

Clarence Darrow


"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."

William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).


"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."

Moses Hadas


"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."

Mark Twain


"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.."

Oscar Wilde


"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one."

George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second.... if there is one."

Winston Churchill, in response.


"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."

Stephen Bishop


"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."

John Bright


"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."

Irvin S. Cobb


"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others."

Samuel Johnson


"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."

Paul Keating


"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."

Charles, Count Talleyrand


"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."

Forrest Tucker


"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"

Mark Twain


"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."

Mae West


"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.."

Oscar Wilde


"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination."

Andrew Lang


"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."

Billy Wilder


"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."

Groucho Marx

_____

Memories?

A  group of 40 year old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for dinner.Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waiters there had tight pants and nice buns.
 
10 years later at 50 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food there was very good and the wine selection was good also.
 
10 years later at 60 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they could eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.
  
10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant was wheel chair accessible and they even had an elevator.
 
10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.

_____

HELGA'S DIARY ON A CRUISE SHIP

DEAR DIARY - DAY 1

All packed for the cruise ship -- all my nicest dresses, swimsuits, short sets.  Really, really exciting. Our local Red Hat chapter decided on this "all-girls" trip.

-----------------------------------------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 2

Entire day at sea, beautiful. Saw whales and dolphins.  Met the Captain today -- seems like a very nice man.

--------------------------------------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 3

At the pool today. Did some shuffleboard, hit golf balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honored and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.
----------------------------------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 4

Won $800.00 in the ship's casino.  Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a scrumptious meal complete with caviar and champagne.  He asked me to stay the night, but I declined.  Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.

-----------------------------------------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 5

Pool again today. Got sunburned, and I went inside to drink at piano-bar, stayed there for rest of day.  Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks.

Really is charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night.  Again I declined. He told me, if I did not let him have his way with me, he would sink the ship..  I was shocked..

--------------------------------------------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 6

Today I saved 1600 lives.

Twice
.

_____


Tell Us This Won't Happen To Us!
                                     
Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 
96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the 
other sisters, 'Was I getting in or out of the bath?'

The 94-year-old yells back, 'I don't know. I'll come up and see.' She 
starts up the stairs and pauses 'Was I going up the stairs or down?

The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her 
sisters, she shakes her head and says, 'I sure hope I never get that 
forgetful, knock on wood.' She then yells, 'I'll come up and help both of 
you as soon as I see who's at the door.'

                   ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March 
day. One remarked to the other, 'Windy, isn't it?'

No,' the second man replied, 'it's Thursday.'

And the third man chimed in, 'So am I. Let's have a beer.'

                            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As 
she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say 'Supersex.' 

She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, 
she said, 'Supersex.' He sat silently for a moment or two and finally 
answered, 'I'll take the soup.'

                       ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they 
had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities 
]had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.


One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, 
"Now don't get mad at me ... I know we've been friends for a long time, but 
I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't 
remember it. Please tell me what your name is..

Her friend glared at her for at least three minutes.

Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?'

                          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, 'Herman, I just 
heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77.
Please be careful!'

'Heck,' said Herman, 'It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!'

                               ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see 
over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an 
intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself 'I must be losing it. I 
could have sworn we just went through a red light.' After a few more 
minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red. Again, 
they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure 
that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. 

She was getting nervous.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on 
through. So, she turned to the other woman and said,

'Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? 
You could have killed us both!'

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, crap, am I driving ?'

_____

Mama Knows

I was out walking with my 4-year-old daughter. She picked up something off of the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that. 'Why?' my daughter asked. 'Because it's been on the ground; you don't know where it's been, it's dirty, and probably has germs,' I replied. 
 
At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, 'Mama, how do you know all this stuff? You are so smart.' I was thinking quickly and replied, 'All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mama Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mama.'

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information. 'Oh.....I get it!' she beamed, 'So if you don't pass the test you have to be the dad..' 'Exactly,' I replied with a big smile on my face.

_____

A Joke from Writer/Storyteller Garrison Keillor -- on Patience

One hundred men interviewed about their sex lives said they had sex once a week, or once or twice a month. But one man said, "I have sex once every two years."

"You poor guy," said the psychologist.

The man laughed. "I'm ok. Tonight's the night!"

_____

The Definition of Chutzpah

A little old lady sold pretzels on a street corner for 25 cents each. Every day a young man would leave his office building at lunch time, and as he passed the pretzel stand, he would leave her a quarter, but never take a pretzel.

And this went on for more then 3 years. The two of them never spoke. One day, as the young man passed the old lady's stand and left his quarter as usual, the pretzel lady spoke to him.

"Sir, thank you for your business. You are a good customer, but I have to tell you that the pretzel price has gone up to 35 cents."

_____

 

No Worms

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would
add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the minister reported the following results: The first three worms, dead. The last one, alive. What can you conclude?

A child piped up: "If you drink, smoke and eat chocolate you won't have worms!"

_____

If It Quacks Like a Duck ...

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.
As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope
and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said,
"I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested.
"I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything.
He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room.
He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on
his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and
sniffed the duck from top to bottom.

He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.

A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the
table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat
sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and
strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said,
this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and
produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
 
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.
"$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it,
the bill would have been $20, But with the Lab Report and
the Cat Scan,  it's now $150."

______

Chinese New Year?

Don't know if this is just a sick coincidence but....
 
 
2007 - Chinese year of the Chicken - Bird Flu Pandemic devastates parts
of Asia
 
2008 - Chinese year of the Horse - Equine Influenza decimates
Australian racing
 
2009 - Chinese year of the Pig - Swine Flu Pandemic kills hundreds of
pigs/humans around the globe.   

It gets worse........
 
This year....
  
2010 - Chinese year of the Cock -- what could possibly go wrong?

_____

Rules of Life

Be kind and funny and ---

2. Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.
3. It's bad luck to be superstitious.
4. A day without sunshine is like night.
5. If you can remain calm, you don't have all the facts.
6. Clones are people, two.
7. If you can't be kind, at least be vague.
8. God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust?
9. To understand paranoid people better, follow them around.
10. One good turn gets most of the blanket.
11. Time is a great healer but a lousy beautician.
12. There's no such thing as non-existence.
13. Never moon a werewolf.
14. Love is a dream, marriage an alarm clock.
15. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
16. Animal testing is a terrible idea. They get nervous and give the wrong answers.
17. Money talks. And it usually says goodbye.
18. If tomorrow never comes, you're dead.

_____

MD Humor

1 . A man comes into the ER and yells . . . . 'My wife's  going to have her baby in the cab . ' I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear .   Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - - and I was in the wrong one. Submitted by Dr .Mark MacDonald, San Francisco  

2 . At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall . 
'Big breaths,' . . .  I instructed . 'Yes, they used to be,' . . . replied the patient.   Submitted by Dr .Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA  

3 . One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.  Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart. ' Submitted by Dr .Susan Steinberg 

4 . During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications . . ' Which one ?' . . . I asked . 'The patch . . . The  Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it !' I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see . Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!  Now, the instructions include removal of the old  patch before applying a new one. Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St Clair, Norfolk, VA  

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient,  I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?' After a look of complete confusion she answered . . . ' Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive. ' Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR 

6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . . . ' So how's your breakfast this morning?' ' It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly . I can't seem to get used to the taste .' Bob replied . I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.' Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit

7 . A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting  a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered . . . It  was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery . . When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read . . . ' Keep off the grass . ' 
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said 'Sorry . . . had to  mow the lawn .' Submitted by an anonymous nurse

8 . As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB . I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams . . . To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly .  The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me . I looked up from my work and sheepishly said . . . . 
I'm sorry . Was I tickling you?'  She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard . . .  ' No doctor  but the song you were whistling was . . . ' I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.' Submitted by anonymous

_____

Good News and Bad

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about
psychology and mixed emotions when he turned to his wife and said, 
 
"Honey, that's a bunch of crap; I bet you can't tell me anything that 
will make me happy and sad at the same time." 
 
She said, "You have the biggest penis of all your friends." 

_____

A Heartwarming Story

An old lady received a new radio at a luncheon as a door prize and was writing to say thank you.  This story is a credit to all humankind:

       Dear St Joseph 's School:

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior
citizens luncheon.  I am 84 years old and live at Grove Park  Home for the
Aged.  All of my family has passed away.  I am all alone and I want to thank
you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady.  My roommate is 95 and has
always had her own radio; but before I received one, she would never let me
listen to hers, even when she was napping.
The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot
of pieces.
It was awful and she was in tears.  She asked if she could listen
to mine, and I told her to fuck off.
Thank you for that opportunity.
Sincerely,
Edna

_____


 A little known fact...


 The first testicular guard  "cup" was used in hockey in 1874,
 and the first helmet was used  in 1974.

 It took 100 years for men to realize that the brain is also 
 important.

_____

Can't eat pork, swine flu.

Can't eat chicken,

Bird flu.

Can't eat Beef,

Mad cow....

Can't eat eggs,

Salmonella.

Can't eat fish,

 heavy metal poisons in their waters.

Can't eat fruits and veggies,

insecticides and herbicides.

That leaves chocolate and ice cream!

Remember - - - 'STRESSED'

spelled backwards is

'DESSERTS'

_____

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.' -- Eleanor Roosevelt

_____

Class Trip

A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack (Churchill Downs) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes ... As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was
unusually well endowed.

Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, 'You must be in the 5th grade.'

'No, ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, 

but I appreciate your help.'

_____

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night. -- Woody Allen

_____

A friend Is like a good bra... hard to find, supportive, comfortable, always lifts you up, never lets you down or leaves you hanging. And is always close to your heart!

_____

Better to be thought stupid than to speak and remove all doubt.

_____

If inflation continues to soar, you're going to have to work like a dog just to live like one. -- George Gobel

_____

Catty Rules

BATHROOMS  Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.

 DOORS Do not allow any closed doors in any room. To get the door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary  to use it. After you have ordered an outside door open, stand half-way in & out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season.

 CHAIRS AND RUGS  If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so it's as long as human's bare foot.

 HAMPERING  If one of your humans is engaged in any activity, and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called helping, otherwise known as hampering.

Following are the rules for hampering:

When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.

For book readers, get in close under the chin, between the eyes and book  unless you can lie across the book itself.

When human is working at computer, jump up on desk, walk across keyboard, bat at mouse pointer on screen, and then lay in human's lap across arms, hampering typing in progress.

 WALKING“ As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially on the stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.

 BEDTIME Always sleep on the human at night so he/she cannot move around.

 LITTER BOX When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much litter out of the box as possible. Humans love the feel of kitty litter between their toes.

 HIDING Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans cannot find you and do NOT come out for three or four hours under any circumstances. This will cause the humans to panic (which they love) thinking that you have run away or are lost. Once you do come out, the humans will cover you with love & kisses, and you will probably get a treat.

 ONE LAST THOUGHT  Whenever possible, get close to a human, especially their face, then turn around and present your butt to them. Humans love this, so do it often.

_____

Senior Questions

Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them?

A: Try a bookstore --- under fiction.

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?

A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done you will have a place to live.

Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the Bible.? Is that true?? Where can it be found?

A: Yes.? Matthew 14:92: 'And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt.'

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year-old husband?

A: Tell him you're pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly --- wrinkles?

A: Take off your glasses

Q: Seriously!? What can I do for these crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?

A: Go braless.? It will usually pull them out.

Q: Why should 60+ year-old people use valet parking?

A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 60+ year-olds to have problems With short-term memory storage?

A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?

A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where should 60+ year-olds look for eye glasses?

A: On their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year-olds when they enter antique stores?

A: 'Gosh, I remember these.'

_____

Perks of Reaching 50 (or 60 and Heading Towards 70)!

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run -- anywhere.

4. People call at 9 pm and ask, did I wake you?

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat supper at 4 pm.

9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a c hallenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

19. You can't remember who sent you this list.

And you notice these are all in bold print for your convenience.

_____

On the Other Hand ...

My internist referred me to a female urologist. When I first saw her I thought, 'She's beautiful and unbelievably sexy!'

She told me that I have to stop masturbating. I asked her why and she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you..."

and on a similar note ...

Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love.-- Woody Allen

and ...

If God had intended us not to masturbate, he would have made our arms shorter.-- George Carlin

_____

Reality Check

MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME. SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.

COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN? UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT. THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY-LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.

AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL.

'YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.

'WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED.

'IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?'

'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!' I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY. THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, BALDING, WRINKLED, FAT ASS, GRAY-HAIRED, DECREPIT SON-OF-A-BITCH ASKED,
          
'WHAT DID YOU TEACH ?'

_____

Desperate?

“My name is Chuck,” he said, grinning an infectious grin. “I’m planning to devote my entire life to saving endangered wildlife in the Antarctic. In five weeks I leave for the South Pole, where I will live alone in a tent for 15 years, trying to convince the penguins that I am part of their flock. In the meantime, would you like to go out?”

She thought about it a minute and said, “He likes animals! I have just met the man I’m going to marry.”

_____

 

One Liners from George Carlin

  • I typed the word Google into Google. Guess what came up? Everything.
  • You know what would be fun? To have a set of twins, name them Dumbo and Goofy and then just sit back and see how their personalities develop. I’ll bet they’d really enjoy going to school everyday.
  • I’ve never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade.
  • In this country, alcohol is hardly ever seen as a drug problem. Instead, we think of it as more of a driving problem. 
  • I don’t own any stocks or bonds. All my money is tied up in debt.   
  • There are caregivers and there are caretakers, and yet the two words are not opposites. Why is this?
  • You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.
  • I have an impersonal trainer. We meet at the gym, we don’t talk, he works out alone, and I go home.
  • Regarding the Boy Scouts, I'm very suspicious of any organization that has a handbook.
  • You know what's fun? Go to a German restaurant and insist on using chopsticks.
  • People on a diet should have a salad dressing called "250 Islands."
  • If the reason for climbing Mt. Everest is that it's hard to do, why does everyone go up the easy side?
  • Here's my idea for another one of those "reality-based" TV shows: "No Survivors!" One by one, a psychopathic serial killer tracks down and kills all of the "Survivor" survivors. Think of it as a public service.
  • You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
  • Regarding jam sessions: jazz musicians are the only workers I can think of who are willing to put in a full shift for pay and then go somewhere else and continue working for free.
  • Griddle cakes, pancakes, hotcakes, flapjacks: why are there four names for grilled batter and only one word for love?
  • I would like to open a restaurant, call it the Marilyn Monroe Café, and put hundreds of pictures of Jeff Goldblum on the wall.
  • When you think about it, 12:15 p.m. is actually 11:75 a.m.
  • Joan Rivers turned into one of the people she used to make fun of.
  • I know a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.
  • One thing nice about being dead is that you immediately become eligible to appear on stamps and money.

—Compiled by Michael Pasternak and Kevin Pang

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Question to Gore Vidal, in an interview: "Were you chaste?"

Retort: " Chased by whom?"

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You can't have everything. Where would you put it? -- Steven Wright

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I saw a butterfly with a tattoo of a teenage girl on its wing.

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Ah yes, divorce ... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet. -- Robin Williams

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Cost-Effective

A little old man is walking down the street one afternoon when he sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100?"

"Are you nuts?!!!" she replies, and keeps walking away.

He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does."Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?' he asks again.

"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"

So the little old man runs around the next block and faces her again, "Would you let me bite your breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?"

She thinks about it for a while. "Hmmm, $10,000 dollars; Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."

So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.

The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?"

'"Nah", says the little old man...

"Costs too much!"

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Wisdom of Dolly Parton

There’s two kinds of mountain women: the kind that get married and have a bunch of kids, and the kind that stay single and have a bunch of kids.

Someone told me I should run for president. Don’t you think that we’ve had enough boobs in the White House?

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"A Little Bit of Knowledge"

A woman was out shopping one day with her son. The boy spotted a man who was bowlegged. The boy pulled on Mom's hand and said, "Momma, look at the bowlegged man!"

Mom was mortified and told her son that it was not polite to point to a person and make that sort of comment. For punishment, the boy had to read a play by Shakespeare. He couldn't go shopping again until he finished reading the play.

Finally he finished, and his mom took him once again to the mall. Again he spied a bowlegged man, but remembered what happened the last time.

So he pulled on his mother's hand and said, "Lo, what manner of men are these, who wear their balls in parentheses? "

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Post Faves

To assemble this collection of jokes, The New York Post contacted dozens of comics, ranging from top-dollar headliners in Vegas to regulars on Late Night and The Daily Show to up-and-comers who do alt-comedy at local bars. We asked them to tell us the best gag they'd written in the past year and their favorite punch line delivered by another comedian. So according to some of the funniest people on earth, these are the 50 most hilarious jokes of the last 12 months, whether they were told in nightclubs, on television or around a platter of fries at a late-night diner meal. Feel free to incite your own laugh riot.

Roseanne

A doctor tells a guy: "I have bad news. You have Alzheimer's, and you have cancer." Guy says, "Thank God I don't have cancer."

Jackie Mason

Hillary Clinton says she's the most qualified because she was married to a president for eight years. Now let me ask you, if a brain surgeon quit his job, would everyone in the operating room say, "Wait, let's get his wife."

Lisa Lampanelli

I was watching Gene Simmons' TV show, "Family Jewels." Or as it's known in the business, " 'The Osbournes' Without the Talented Father."

Laura Kightlinger

After miraculously surviving two heart surgeries, pneumonia and a mild stroke, at 82 my grandfather was no longer able to care for himself. Now he lives with my aunt who spoon-feeds him, takes him to the bathroom, etc. Proof that what doesn't kill you makes you a burden to someone else.

Bill Maher

Barack Obama bowled a 37. Is he black enough for you now?

Bobby Slayton

I got a teenage daughter and a menopausal wife. One's getting breasts, one's getting whiskers. My life is over.

Jeffrey Ross

John McCain is so old that running for President is on his bucket list.

Tomi Walamies

My uncle is in a coma - he's living the dream. (Paul Provenza's favorite)

Nick Dipaolo

I think I might vote for Barack Obama. Because I live in New York City and have been giving black guys change for the past 10 years. I want to see what it feels like for a black guy to give me change.

Artie Lange

Alex Rodriguez never gets clutch hits in October, yet his fans insist on comparing him to Babe Ruth. So A-Rod tries to get as close as he can to Ruth-type achievements. Before the playoffs last year, A-Rod went to a hospital and promised a dying kid that he'd ground out to second Base for him. And I was at the game, people, it's true - A-Rod pointed to second Base.

Triumph the Insult Comic Dog

At the Tony Awards: I'm here with Harvey Fierstein, nominated tonight for the "I Hate Vagina Monologues."

Seth Herzog

I took nine years of French, but I can't remember any of it. I realized on the plane ride over that if someone doesn't ask me what color my hat is, I'll have nothing to talk about for two weeks.

Earthquake

You know why the US can't find Osama Bin Laden? They're using the wrong agency to look for him. Don't send the Army, Navy, Marines or the CIA - send Child Support!

Harland Williams

I was eating an orange the other day and a friend said, "Did you know nothing rhymes with 'orange?' " So, I threw the orange at his head and said, "Now your face is swollen red 'cause I just threw an orange at your big fat head. Does that rhyme with 'orange,' you jackass?"

Conan O'Brien

To America, there's just something about Charlie Sheen working with children that "feels right."

(Bill Maher's favorite)

Wendy Liebman

My husband wanted one of those big-screen TVs for his birthday. I just moved his chair closer to the one we already have.

Seth Meyers

During a "Weekend Update" segment about Eliot Spitzer: And you wanted to have sex with a hooker but you didn't want to wear a condom? Really?!? That might not be scary if you were client number 1, but you were client number 9. I wear a condom if I'm ninth in line at the deli.

(Robert "Triumph the Insult Comic Dog" Smigel's favorite)

Hannibal Buress

I got a fortune cookie today. It said I should invest in something fun on four wheels. I don't know if that meant I should get a new car, or a prostitute on one roller skate.

Louis C.K.

On his daughter's diaper: There was so much poop. It didn't look like a baby's poop. It looked like a 55-year-old alcoholic took a dump

(Nick Dipaolo's favorite)

Emo Philips

Cellphones are like a dog's nipples. You don't have to shout into them!

Nick Thune

Tupac Shakur's mother was a Black Panther. His father was a regular panther. (Russell Peters' favorite)

Jonathan Katz

I was a kid during the height of the Cold War. If I did something wrong, my parents just accused me of being a communist.

Jim Florentine

I'm sick of Heather Mills. Now that she's divorced, let her go marry the drummer from Def Leppard. They can rub their stumps together.

Ophira Eisenberg

I'm still in my first marriage. I know, it's wrong to talk about it so temporary like that. My current husband hates it when I do that.

Jim Norton

I never liked Eliot Spitzer until he got busted with a hooker. Then I was sorry to see him leave office. I felt like there was finally someone in the government who represented my interests.

Sean Keane

My girlfriend said, "I hate it when you finish my sentences." So I said, "Period."

(Harland Williams' favorite)

George Carlin

Why do they put alcohol on the arm of a death row inmate before they give him the needle? Are they afraid he might get an infection?

(Jackie Mason's favorite)

Greg Proops

They say Hillary Clinton has a bad personality. Really? I forgot about Dick Cheney's wow factor.

Robert Duchaine

Almost all serial killers are men. That's 'cause women like to kill one man slowly over many, many years.

(Bobby Slayton's favorite)

David Brenner

Gasoline prices are highest in Hawaii, closing in on $4 a gallon. President Bush said, "See, I told you it wasn't only in our country!"

John Oliver

One hundred and fifty years ago, England was fueled primarily from burning Catholics. It's a naturally renewable resource.

(Seth Herzog's favorite)

Liam McEneaney

They say gay people have "gaydar," which lets them figure out who else is gay. Waiters in expensive restaurants have something similar, called "poor-dar." They always know I shouldn't be there, and I can tell by the way they talk to me: "Sir, can I take your coat - out back and burn it?" "Can I call you a car - or will you be riding a boxcar out of town?"

Carolyn Castiglia

My mom says to me, "Honey, I don't want you to think I have diabetes because I'm fat. I have diabetes because it runs in our family." I said, "No, mom, you have diabetes because no one runs in our family!" (Adira Amram's favorite)

David Wain

Have you heard they're doing a sequel to "Brokeback Mountain?"

No, what's it called?

"Brokeback Mountain 2."

Desiree Burch

I don't wear vanilla-scented lotion or perfume. Most girls love that crap, but I can't do it. 'Cause I can't be the fat girl that smells like Rice Krispie treats. Can't do it. People are all like, "God, Desiree! Did you eat again?!"

Marc Maron

It's significant Barack Obama is running. I think it's important for black people to have a chance to be misrepresented by one of their own.

(Greg Proops' favorite)

Todd Levin

I just got engaged. My fiancée won't take my name because "Lisa Levin" sounds awful. So she's just going to remain Lisa Hitler. I understand - it's a family name.

Josh Comers

I had a bully as a kid. He was dyslexic, so he used to stick "Me Kick" signs on my back. Then everyone thought I was the bully - with bad grammar and the courtesy to give a heads up.

(Liam McEneaney's favorite)

Freddie Roman

A couple is married for 47 years and the woman dies. At the funeral, the pallbearers swing the coffin, which hits a wall. From inside the coffin, the woman yells, "Oh, my God!" She lived another four years. She dies again. The pallbearers are swinging the coffin. The husband yells, "Watch out for the wall!" (David Wain's favorite)

Dave Attell

I hate to travel. I guess it's because my father used to beat me with a globe.

(Todd Levin's favorite)

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The Virgin

A woman was on her deathbed. She called her daughter over, and she whispered in her daughter's ear, "I have a confession to make. I'm a virgin."

"But mother," the daughter said. "You've had seven children."

"Yes, my dear. But I never participated."

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One Question

A woman goes to a palm reader and hears that her husband will die a violent death. She asks, "Will I be acquitted?"

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The Biker

A biker was riding by the  zoo when he saw a little girl leaning into the lion's cage.  Suddenly, the lion  grabbed her by the cuff of her jacket and tried to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. 

The biker jumped off his bike, ran to the cage and hit the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.  Whimpering from the pain, the lion jumped back and let go of the girl. The biker then took her to her terrified parents, who thanked him endlessly.
 
A reporter saw the whole scene, and addressing the biker, said, "Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've ever seen a man do in my whole life."
 
"Why, it was nothing," said the biker, "really. The lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right."

"I noticed a patch on your jacket," said the journalist.
 
"Yeah, I ride with an Israeli motorcycle club," the biker replied. 
 
"Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed.  I'm a journalist with The Times, you  know, and tomorrow's papers will have this on the front page."
 
The following morning the biker bought the paper to see if it indeed brought out the news of his actions.  On the front page was the headline:
 
"ISRAELI GANG MEMBER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND  STEALS HIS LUNCH"

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A Choice

An 89-year-old man marries an 87-year-old woman. They go on a honeymoon and rent a nice big house at the beach. The first night she goes to bed first and calls downstairs to him, "Would you like to come upstairs and make love?"

He calls back, "Which one? I can't do both."

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AFTER BEING MARRIED FOR  44 YEARS, I TOOK A CAREFUL LOOK AT MY WIFE ONE DAY AND SAID:


"HONEY, 44  YEARS AGO WE HAD A CHEAP APARTMENT, A CHEAP CAR, SLEPT ON A SOFA BED AND  WATCHED A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV, BUT I GOT TO SLEEP EVERY NIGHT WITH  A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD GAL.

NOW I HAVE A $500,000.00 HOME, A $45,000.00  CAR, NICE BIG BED AND PLASMA SCREEN TV, BUT I'M SLEEPING WITH A  65-YEAR OLD WOMAN. IT SEEMS TO ME THAT YOU'RE NOT HOLDING UP YOUR SIDE OF THINGS."

MY WIFE IS A VERY REASONABLE WOMAN. SHE TOLD ME TO GO OUT AND FIND A HOT  25-YEAR-OLD GAL, AND SHE WOULD MAKE SURE THAT I  WOULD ONCE AGAIN BE  LIVING IN A CHEAP APARTMENT, DRIVING A CHEAP CAR,  SLEEPING ON A SOFA BED  AND WATCHING A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE  TV.

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A Sista Pledge of Real Bad-Ass Friendship

1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge agains the sorry bastard. 

2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you. 

3. When you smile -- I will know you are plotting something that I must be involved in.  

4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get. 

5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.  

6. When you are confused -- I will use little words. 

7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well again.  I don't want whatever you have! 

8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

 9. This is my oath.... I pledge it to the end. 'Why?' you may ask. Because you are my friend. Friendship is like peeing in your pants: everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.

-----

Laughing is the sensation of feeling good all over and showing it principally in one spot. 

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Five Best Things to Say if You're Caught Sleeping at Your Desk

NUMBER 5: "They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen."

NUMBER 4 : "This is just a 15-minute power nap they raved about in the time-management course you sent me to."

NUMBER 3 : "Whew!? Guess I left the top off the White-out.You probably got here just in time!"

NUMBER 2: "Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put your ear down real close?"

And the NUMBER ONE best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk: (Raising your head slowly) "... in Jesus' name, Amen.

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Their Sex Life

One failure on / Top of another. -- A. R. Ammons

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Six Servings of Diner Slang (from americandinermuseum.org)

Two cows, make them cry: two burgers with onions

Zeppelins in a fog: sausages and mashed potatoes

Shingle with a shimmy and a shake: buttered taost with jam

Blowout patches: pancakes

City juice: water

Customer will take a chance: hash

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Sayings of a Jewish Buddhist

  • If there is no self, whose arthritis  is this?
  •  
  • Be here now  Be someplace else  later. Is that so complicated?
  •  
  • Drink tea and nourish life; with the  first sip, joy; with the second sip, satisfaction; with the third sip,  peace; with the fourth, a Danish.
  • Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story.
  • Accept misfortune as a blessing. Do not wish for perfect health, or a life without problems. What would  you talk about?
  •  
  • The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single Oy.
  • There is no escaping karma.\ In a  previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited.. And whose fault was that?
  • Zen is not easy. It takes effort to attain nothingness. And then what do you have?  Bupkis
  • The Tao does not speak. The Tao does  not blame. The Tao does not take sides.The Tao has no expectations.The Tao  demands nothing of others. The Tao is not Jewish.
  • Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in.  Breathe out. Forget this and attaining Enlightenment  will be the least of your problems.
  • Let your mind be as a floating  cloud. Let your stillness be as a wooded glen.  And sit up  straight. You'll never meet the Buddha with such rounded  shoulders.
  • Deep inside you are ten thousand  flowers. Each flower blossoms ten thousand times. Each blossom  has ten thousand petals. You might want to see a  specialist.
  • Be aware of your body. Be aware  of your perceptions. Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.
  • The Torah says, Love your neighbor as yourself. The Buddha says, There is no self. So, maybe we're off the hook.

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The Haircut

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, "II cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The cop's happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The professor is very happy and leaves the shop.  The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen different books, such as 'How to Improve Your Business' and 'Becoming More Successful.

'Then, a Congressman comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman is very happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

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A Moose Tale

Two young hunters get a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bag six. As they started loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot says the plane can take only four moose. The two lads object strongly, 

"Last year we shot six and the pilot let us put them all on board and he had the same plane as yours."   

Reluctantly, the pilot gives in and all six are loaded. However, even on full power, the little plane can't handle the load and goes down a few moments after takeoff.  

Climbing out of the wreck battered and bruised, one young hunter asks the other, "Any idea where we are?' 

"Yaaah, I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year!"  

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Whew!

The tallest and biggest woman in the world lives in Holland (The Netherlands).
She is 7'4' and weighs 320

What a relief! Now we all know we aren't overweight -- just too short!

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10 Jokes About Seniors (we'll all get there if we're lucky)

An elderly gentlemen had serious hearing problems for a number of years.  He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect.  Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet.  I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

*****

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains.  I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"

Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."

"Really?  Like a newborn baby!?"

"Yep.  No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."

*****

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.  I would recommend it very highly."

The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"

The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?

You know... The one that's red and has thorns."

"Do you mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's the one," replied the man.  He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

*****

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged.  However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.

On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

"I don't know," he said.  "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."

*****

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.  During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things d own to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.  "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.

"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

"Sure."

"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.

"No, I can remember it."

"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too.  Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?"

He says, "I can remember that.  You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

"I'd also like whipped cream.  I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks.

Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!"

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,

The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.  She stares at the plate for a moment.

"Where's my toast ?"

*****

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:

"So I hear you're getting married?"

"Yep!"

"Do I know her?"

"Nope!"

"This woman, is she good looking?"

"Not really."

"Is she a good cook?"

"Naw, she can't cook too well."

"Does she have lots of money?"

"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."

"Well, then, is she good in bed?"

"I don't know."

"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"

"Because she can still drive!"

*****

Three old guys are out walking.

First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"

Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"

Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."

*****

A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid.  It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.  It's perfect."

"Really," answered the neighbor, "What kind is it?"

"Twelve thirty."

*****

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"

The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart mur mur; be careful.'"

*****

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "Arthritis."

_____

 

$20

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.

During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go.

It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million.

Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for the more than three decades she had "charged" him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,

"If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"

(That's when she shot him. )

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Two Lines

When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter the Pearly Gates, God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines. One line will be for the men who were the true heads of their households, and the other line will be for the men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St. Peter." 

Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men.

The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their households, there was only one man.

God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves.  I created you to be the heads of your households! You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose!  Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him."

God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."

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Letter to Our Pets

Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food.The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
Beating me to the bottom is not the object.Tripping me doesn't help
because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep.  It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered.  Also, I have been using the bathroom for years --canine or feline attendance is not required. The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To All  Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here.You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
(That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. To you, it's an animal.  To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3 Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't want to wear your clothes
10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and...
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.

______

Star Struck --True Story

A Michigan woman and her family were vacationing in a small new  England town where Paul Newman and his family often visited. One Sunday morning, the woman got up early to take a long  walk.  After a brisk five-mile hike, she decided to treat  herself to a double-dip chocolate ice cream cone.

She hopped  in the car, drove to the center of the village and went straight to  the combination bakery/ice cream parlor.There was only one other patron in the store.Paul Newman, sitting at the counter  having a doughnut and coffee.

The woman's heart skipped a beat as her eyes made contact with those famous baby-blue  eyes.The actor nodded graciously and the star struck woman smiled demurely.

"Pull yourself together!" she chided  herself. "You're a happily married woman with three children, you're forty-five years old, not a teenager!"

The clerk filled her order and she took the double-dip chocolate ice cream cone in one hand and her change in the other. Then she went out the door, avoiding even a glance in Paul Newman's direction.

When she reached her car, she realized that she had a handful of change but  her other hand was empty.  Where's my ice cream cone?  Did I leave it in the store? Back into the shop she went, expecting to see the cone still in the clerk's hand or in a holder on the counter or something.  No ice cream cone was in sight.

With that, she happened to look over at Paul Newman.  His face broke into his familiar warm friendly grin andhe said to the  woman,

"You  put it in your purse."

_____

Christmas Carols for the Disturbed

* 1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?

* 2. Multiple Personality Disorder ---We Three Kings Disoriented Are

* 3. Dementia ---I Think I'll be Home for Christmas

* 4. Narcissistic ---Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

* 5. Manic ---Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and.....

* 6. Paranoid ---Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me

* 7. Borderline Personality Disorder ---Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

* 8. Personality Disorder ---You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

* 9. Attention Deficit Disorder ---Silent night, Holy oooh look at the Froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?

* 10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder ---Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle,Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells

_____

The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

"You may visit this store ONLY  ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!"

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These Men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads: Floor 2 - These Men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

"That's nice", she thinks, "but I want more."

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These Men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These Men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: Floor 5 - These Men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

_____

My Living Will

Last night, my friend and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

So she got up, unplugged the TV, and threw out my wine.

_____

A Poem by Abigail Elizabeth McIntyre 

Winter. S--t. It's cold!

_____

Voted Best Short Joke of 2007

For his birthday, little Ben asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it." 

The next day the father saw little Ben heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"  Little Ben told him; "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling Mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. So I'm not staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage and no bike!"

_____

So Far, So Good

So far today I have not been nasty, grumpy, or selfish and I have not lost my temper. I have not whined, complained, cursed, or eaten any chocolate. I have not charged anything on my credit card.

I will be getting out of bed in a minute.

_____

Back to Ya'

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes.We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching ateenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him.

The teenager would look and find him staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one. And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response:

"Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

_____

 Good Coordination

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and a gorgeous solo lady is sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I'm so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you."

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre, followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They have a wonderful, romantic time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been so incredible!

"You know," he says, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No," she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."

_____

 

Earned Increase

The Maid wanted a pay increase. Madam was very upset about this and asked, "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"
Maria: " Well Madam, there are three reasons why I want an increase."

"First, I iron better than you."
Madam: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria, "The Master said so."
Madam: "Oh"

Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Madam: "Nonsense, who said you are a better cook than me?"
Maria: "The Master did."
Madam: "Oh."

Maria: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you."
Madam: ( very upset now ) "Did the Master say that as well?"
Maria: "No Madam, the gardener did."

_____




The Parrot

Laura “Pickles” Bush bought George a parrot for his birthday.

 She told Dick Cheney, "The bird is so smart!  George has already taught him to mispronounce over 200 words!"

 "Wow, that's pretty impressive," Cheney said. "But you realize that he just says the words. He doesn't understand what they mean.”

 "That's okay," Laura replied.  "Neither does the parrot".

_____

So True

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall in Jerusalem to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out.

She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site. She watched him pray, and after 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?

"Morris Fishbien," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall to pray?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing!

What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop. I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a f---in' wall."

_____

Senior Exercise Program

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then try 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand, and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.

After you feel confident at that level ...

put a potato in each of the sacks.

_____

#1 Rated Pick-Up Line in Lower Slobovia

"Nice tooth!"

_____

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.    

"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."

(The pharmacist fainted.)

_____

 

Husbands are like guns ... keep one around for long enough and you're gonna want to shoot it!

_____

Great Italian Sex

The Jewish man said, "Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with chicken fat, we made passionate love, and she screamed for five full minutes at the end!"

The Frenchman boasted, "Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her body all over with butter. We then made passionate love and she screamed for 15 minutes!"

The Italian man said, "Well, last week my wife and I also had sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil. We made love, and she screamed for over six hours!"

The other two were stunned. The amazed Frenchman asked, "What could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for six hours?"

The Italian man sighed ... "I wiped my hands on the bedspread."

_____

A Miracle?

Doctor Bloom who was known for miraculous cures for arthritis had a waiting room full of people when a little old lady shuffled in slowly on her cane. When her turn came, she went into the doctor's office, and, amazingly, emerged within half an hour walking completely erect with her head held high.

A woman in the waiting room walked up to the little old lady and said, "It's a miracle! You walked in bent in half and now you're walking erect. What did that doctor do?"

She answered, "Miracle, shmiracle . . . he gave me a longer cane."

_____

 

The Old Poodle

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa , taking her
faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles
discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading  
rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I
wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for
protection from the leopard. So off he goes. But the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

The old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.

"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

Moral of this story....

Age and treachery will overcome youth and skill, and BS and brilliance come with age and experience.

_____

Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.

_____


Wrong Side of the Bed!

Mother Superior was on her way to late morning prayers when she passed  two
novices just leaving early morning prayers, on their way to classes. As she passed the young ladies, Mother Superior said, "Good morning sisters." The novices replied, "Good morning, Mother Superior, may God be with you." 

But after they had passed, Mother Superior heard one say to the other, "I think she got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning." This startled Mother Superior, but she chose not to pursue the issue.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little further down the hall, Mother Superior passed two of the Sisters who had been teaching at the convent for several years. She greeted them with, "Good morning Sister Martha, Sister Jessica, may God give you wisdom for our students today."  "Good morning, Mother Superior. Thank you, and may God be with you."

But again, after passing, Mother Superior overheard, "She got out of the wrong side of bed today."  Baffled, she started to wonder if she had spoken harshly, or with an irritated look on her face. She vowed to be more pleasant.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Looking down the hall, Mother Superior saw retired Sister Mary approaching, step by step, with her walker. Mother Superior had plenty of time to arrange a pleasant smile on her face, before greeting Sister Mary.  "Good morning, Sister Mary. I'm so happy to see you up and about. I pray God watches over you today, and grants you a wonderful day."

"Ah, Good morning, Mother Superior, and thank you. I see you got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning." Mother Superior was floored!  "Sister Mary, what have I done wrong? I have  tried to be pleasant,  but three times already today, people have said that about me." 

Sister Mary stopped her walker, and looked Mother Superior in the face. "Oh, don't take it personal, Mother Superior. It's  just that you're wearing Father Murphy's slippers!"

_____

Stress Reliever

1. Open a new file in your computer.
2. Name it "George W. Bush." (or anybody you don't care for)
3. Send it to the trash.
4. Empty the trash.
5. Your PC will ask you, "Do you really want to get rid of "George W. Bush ?"
6. Firmly Click "Yes."
7.Feel better???

_____

Click here for more laughs!

 



Solo Traveler: Tales and Tips for Great Trips, 1st Edition (Special-Interest Titles)

 

 



   

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